HAVE A LAUGH GUYS

[HEIHACHI]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was
only  one problem:   The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to  understand how the magician did every trick.

 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under  the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning  almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a
piece  of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ...
with the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally
on  the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the f#ckin' ship?"

 

[HEIHACHI]

[size=This true story happened in Soweto about a month ago.][/size]


[size= ][/size]


[size= ][/size]


[size=A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.][/size]


[size=The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road.][/size]


[size=The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of][/size]


[size=him. Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped.][/size]


[size=Without thinking, he got in and closed the door,just to realize that][/size]


[size=there was nobody behind the steering wheel.][/size]


[size=The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.][/size]


[size=Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified.][/size]


[size=Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and][/size]


[size=turned the steering wheel.][/size]


[size=The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing][/size]


[size=every time they got to a curve.][/size]


[size=Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights][/size]


[size=he could see.][/size]


[size=Wet and in shock, he went into a shabeen and asked for a double brandy.][/size]


[size=After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just][/size]


[size=had.][/size]


[size= ][/size]


[size=Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.][/size]


[size= ][/size]


[size=About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shabeen and, on][/size]


[size=seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other,"Mfowetu, isn't that][/size]


[size=the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing ...?'][/size]

 

[HEIHACHI]

[size=Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi and Manto Tsabalala Msimang were flying together in the President's jet. ][/size]
[size=ThaboMbeki suddenly said: "You know what. I can throw a R500 right now out of this window and make someone happy."][/size]
[size=Jacob Zuma said: "I can throw five R 100 notes out of the window and I will make 5 people unbelievably happy." ][/size]
 [size= ][/size]
[size=Geraldine said: “I will give government employees 7.25% salary increase and make millions happy”. ][/size]
[size=Manto said : "I ][/size]  can throw ten R 50 notes out of the window and make 10 people very, very happy."
The one pilot looks at the other and says:
"Listen to those 4 showoffs  at the back... I can throw all 4 of them out of the window right now and I will make the whole country very happy!"

 

[HEIHACHI]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.  "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 3 and 21 and 35 and 81?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "MNet, Supersport, Kyknet and the Cartoon Network!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Telkom guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[HEIHACHI]

> A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
> >leaving his
> > Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the
> natives
> >when he
> > realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to
> speak
> >English.
> >
> > So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
> >
> > He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
> >
> > The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
> >
> > The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little
> further
> >and he
> > points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
> >
> > Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
> >
> > The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results
> when he
> >hears a
> > rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a
> couple
> >of
> > natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
> >
> > The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man
> riding
> a
> >bike."
> >
> > The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun
> and
> >kills them.
> >
> > The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
> spent
> >years
> > teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each
> other, so
> >how
> > could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
> >
> > The chief replied, "My bike."

 

[HEIHACHI]

> A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
> stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
> there
> was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
> times last year."
>
> They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
> bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
> and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
> him."
>
> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
> capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so
> excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's
> once
> a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
> The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
> the same cow."

 

[HEIHACHI]

[size=[font="Times New Roman"]>> > Just take a few minutes, sit back with the ol' days!!!
>> > The good ole' days... I'm talking about the time of....Hide and Seek in
>> > the park...or the dark...or anywhere. The tearoom down the road,
>> > Marbles, Donkey, skipping and handstands, backyard cricket with a
>> > tomato box, house house game, 5 stones, jumping the river, building a
>> > swing from a piece of rope tied to a tree, tennis on the street or
>> > swing ball in the backyard, Black Shoe black Shoe, Ing Ching China
>> > Mina,
>> >
>> > My
>> > name is Cane, Four Corners , Crocodile, Open Gates, Hoopoo, Gully
>> > Gundha, Mercy, Slides & climbing trees.
>> > Remember when there was a season for everything, before play stations
>> > and cartoon networks, computers... The sound of the fish or fruit &
>> > veg vendor in his van. Wicks bubble gum for a cent! Chappies, Roller
>> > skates, BMX, go carts Wait, can you still remember...
>> > Getting up at 3 in the morning, sitting under a blanket at the back of
>> > a bakkie to spend the day at Park renie, illovo beach or midmar dam?
>> > When
>> > around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going
>> > somewhere, and your ma made you "dress up" for the trip. Going to Town
>> > to do Christmas shopping. Peeling skin in summer. Sticky fingers and
>> > sand in and on everything Marbles, yo yo's, tops, kites... Walking to
>> > school no matter what the weather and too embarrassed to wear a
>> > raincoat. Walking home and spending the bus fare. Running till
>> > you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
>> > Jumping on the bed..... Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy
>> > and
>> > falling down. Being tired from playing... Remember that?
>> > The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
>> > I'm not finished just yet...... Can you still taste and smell... eating
>> > egg sweets and jellytots, Ice lollies made from cold drink in
>> > Tupperware holders in the freezer. Licking the spoon when cakes were
>> > baked.......... Camping in a tent (with no electricity) was not an
>> > option. Marshmallow fish and mice.
>> >
>> >
>> > Remember when... There were two types of takkies North Star and the
>> > canvas ones, and the only time you wore them at school, was for "PE" in
>> > your white shorts and ..... Startrek, A team, Airwolf, Knight Rider,
>> > Gummie Bears, The Lone Ranger, Bravestar... It wasn't odd to have two
>> > or three "best" friends, if you're a boy its ok for a girl to be your
>> > bestfriend and vice versa, you knew everyone in the road, even their
>> > cousins were your friends. Nobody owned a pedigree dog!
>> >
>> >
>> > When it was considered a great privilege and very unusual to be taken
>> > out to
>> > dinner at a real restaurant or in a proper hotel.
>> >
>> >
>> > When watching spaghetti westerns or karate movie in the art room on
>> > Friday
>> > afternoon was the highlight of the week? And trying the moves out when
>> > the movie was done!!! Or when on the rare occasion your father bought
>> > Kentucky ? Remember how we used to lie on the grass & eat mango and
>> > chilli
>> > powder
>> > or bhor and figs. Remember when any parent could discipline any kid, or
>> > feed
>> > him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought
>> > a
>> > thing of it.
>> >
>> >
>> > When being sent to the head master's office was nothing compared to the
>> > fate
>> > that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear
>> > for
>> > our lives but it wasn't because of muggings, drugs, gangs, etc... Our
>> > parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat....and some of us
>> > are
>> >
>> > still afraid of them!!! Didn't that feel good.....just to go back and
>> > say,
>> > Yeah, I remember that
>> > Remember when.... Decisions were made by going "eeny meeny miney
>> > mo."
>> >
>> >
>> > Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Nix!" A "race issue"
>> > meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money was handled by whoever
>> > was the banker in "Monopoly". Having a weapon in school meant being
>> > caught with a BIC pen, pea shooter or a "kettie". Taking drugs meant
>> > orange flavoured chewable vitamin C, Milk of Magnesia Or a spoonful
>> > of castor oil. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Skills and
>> > courage were discovered because of a "dare". Older siblings were the
>> > worst tormentors, but also the fiercest Protectors
>> >
>> >
>> > If you can remember most or all of these, then....
>> > YOU HAVE LIVED!!!!
>> > Pass this on to anyone (especially those who grew up in Natal )
>> > Who may need a break from their "grown up" life![/font]][/size]

 

[HEIHACHI]

[size=[font="Times New Roman"]>Why Porridge ou's are trouble makers
>
>A Porridge ou, a bread ou, a potent bruin stekkie and an old aunty are
>sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets
>completely dark.
>
>Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of
>the tunnel. The old aunty, potent bruin stekkie and the Bread ou are
>sitting there looking perplexed. The Bread ou is bent over holding his
>face, which is red from an apparent slap.
>
>The old aunty is thinking: That Bread ou must have tried to kiss that
>stekkie and got slapped.
>
>The Bread ou is thinking: "Damn it, that Porridge ou must have tried to
>kiss the potent bruin stekkie, she thought that it was me and slapped me
>instead."
>
>The beautiful bruin stekkie is thinking: "That Bread ou Must have moved to
>kiss me, but kissed the old aunty instead and got slapped."
>
>The Porridge ou is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I
>could make another kissing sound and slap that Bread ou again!!!![/font]][/size]

 

[HEIHACHI]

Subject: FW: Kids in school think quick
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GL ENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER &n bsp; : Goss, why do you ! always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!; __________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

 

[HEIHACHI]

 
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and  the  young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath  water and  towels just the way the  old nun
had instructed.
 
Sister Magdalene  was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could  help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
 
The next morning the  old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone.
 
'Oh,  sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been  saved.'
'Saved? And  how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was  soaking in the tub, he asked  me to wash him,
and while I was washing him  he guided  my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord   keeps the Key to Heaven.'
 
'Did he now?' said the old nun  evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if  the  Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would  be opened to  me and I would be assured salvation and eternal  peace.

And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my  lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more  evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the  pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon  swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being  saved.'
 
'That wicked old bastard' said the old nun. 'He told me it   was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40  years.'

 

[HEIHACHI]

The importance of understanding English

 

I had a bunch of Australian dollars I needed to exchange, so I

went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

 

Short line.

 

Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was

trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

 

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat

dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations"

 

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

[HEIHACHI]

 [size=[size=2]A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the][/size][/size]
[size=local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with][/size]
[size=the next collection of soiled clothes: ][/size]
[size=        ][/size][size="USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" ][/size][/size]
[font="Times New Roman"][size=        ][/font]
[size=        ][/size][size=She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with][/size]
[size=the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: ][/size]
[size=        ][/size][size="USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"][/size]
[size=        ][/size]
[size=        ][/size][size=The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean][/size]
[size=laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: ][/size]
[size=        ][/size][size="I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"][/size]

 

[HEIHACHI]

-----Think of the Fresh Prince theme song and rap out loud...
> >
> > The Fresh Prince of Chatsworth
> >
> > In Unit two Phoenix, I was born & raised,
> > In Vasu's game shop is where I spent most of my days
> > Chilling with my gaazie's & shooting black label
> > Cranking the mutton bunny chow's on the pool table
> >
> > When a couple of Bhadha's who were up to no good,
> > Starting causing trouble in my neighbourhood
> > I got in one little speech and my baalie got scared,
> > He said, "You're moving to Boya Maama in Chatworth instead!!!
> >
> > I waved for a taxi, and as it came near
> > I saw Man United stickers, and empty quarts of beer!
> > The driver scoped me out and said, " Where you vying Boss???"
> > I chooned, "Howzit ma brew ..... I'm vying to Shallcross!!!"
> >
> > We pulled up to a Pozzie, I said, "Driver ... shot for the ride"
> > Pushpa Auntie was at the door, she said, "Ayhoo ... come inside"
> > I checked out my district ... I was finally at my abode!
> > It wasn't so bad ... there was another game shop down the road!!!

 

[HEIHACHI]

Wife:I wish I was a newspaper, so that you could hold me every
morning! Husband:  Me too, my dear, so that I can have a NEW ONE every morning
 
A Chinese couple got married. When the baby was born, her eyes were big
 and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of
baby was SUM TING LONG (some thing wrong)
 
A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: You look so weak and Exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a da! y as I advised?
Ladyoc, I thought you said 3 males a day

 

[HEIHACHI]

Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when
Suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Robert tells his driver:" Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da
honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his
clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the
other.
"What happen to you?" Robert asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and
their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God!
What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and
I have just killed the pig."

 

[Land Locked]

HEIACHI,

The remember story brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't just Durban, I had the same kind of youth in JHB.

LL

 

[HEIHACHI]

those were the days bru!

 

[Fanie]

Little Johnny was in a spelling BEE class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R.

Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he pretended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said

"Ear, taste this one..."

 

[Fanie]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here..... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[Fanie]

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'