You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
HAVE A LAUGH GUYS
- Thread starter HEIHACHI
- Start date
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
THE SENSUOUS WIFE
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife
No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued to say the least
"Well, go look in the garage..."
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife
No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued to say the least
"Well, go look in the garage..."
n Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f wall."
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f wall."
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And R 3,000 a month in living expenses."
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And R 3,000 a month in living expenses."
What the doctor really means
Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."
Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."
Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."
Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."
Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."
Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine,
Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby,
and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear
to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession
and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine,
Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby,
and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear
to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession
and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his
attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!!"
attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!!"
A few years ago in a small town robbers entered a bank and one of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you. Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops." The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took to ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed in of $ 3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral : Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops." The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took to ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed in of $ 3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral : Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Number One's plane crashed in the middle of the Karoo. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering on a koppie that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or Number One's staff.
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Ja." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that was Number One's airplane?" "Ja." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nee. They all vrekked." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "Ek het hulle almal begrawe." "Number One is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Ja, he kept saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Ja." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that was Number One's airplane?" "Ja." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nee. They all vrekked." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "Ek het hulle almal begrawe." "Number One is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Ja, he kept saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"